Maddening

When there is absolutely nothing you can do to change any particular situation, it can be maddening.  In Jonathan's case, it's a practice in trusting God.  In the womb we knew Jonathan was forming with a hole in his back and fluid on his brain, but there was nothing we could do.  He was born, went into surgery, and spent the first six weeks of his life at the hospital and there was nothing we could do.  We watch the back heal and the shunt start to do its work and there is nothing we can do.  We watch him lay there with little movement from the waist down, except some reactions from nerves, and there is nothing we can do.  We wonder what his mind will be like and how it will form as he develops and there is still nothing we can do.  We worry over infection and watch for fever and there's nothing we can do.  He has a little cold and cough and there's nothing we can do but watch it run its course.  Tonight, Jonathan is running a fever from his two month immunizations and, honestly, I am a nervous wreck.  In Jonathan's little life, fever equals a very bad thing.  I keep telling myself that this is normal since he got his immunizations today, but there is a part of me that keeps worrying and wondering if it isn't something more.  Maddening.  And a lesson in faith and trust that I should have already learned, but...  I guess I'll be learning this one for the rest of my life!  I recently asked Jeremy if there would ever be a day that we didn't "worry" over Jonathan.  The answer...NO.  May God give me the strength to do this well.  To trust Him.  To walk with Him daily.  To rejoice in the little miracles along the way.  To turn to Him on the days of doubt.  To hope for our home to come.