Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Maddening
When there is absolutely nothing you can do to change any particular situation, it can be maddening. In Jonathan's case, it's a practice in trusting God. In the womb we knew Jonathan was forming with a hole in his back and fluid on his brain, but there was nothing we could do. He was born, went into surgery, and spent the first six weeks of his life at the hospital and there was nothing we could do. We watch the back heal and the shunt start to do its work and there is nothing we can do. We watch him lay there with little movement from the waist down, except some reactions from nerves, and there is nothing we can do. We wonder what his mind will be like and how it will form as he develops and there is still nothing we can do. We worry over infection and watch for fever and there's nothing we can do. He has a little cold and cough and there's nothing we can do but watch it run its course. Tonight, Jonathan is running a fever from his two month immunizations and, honestly, I am a nervous wreck. In Jonathan's little life, fever equals a very bad thing. I keep telling myself that this is normal since he got his immunizations today, but there is a part of me that keeps worrying and wondering if it isn't something more. Maddening. And a lesson in faith and trust that I should have already learned, but... I guess I'll be learning this one for the rest of my life! I recently asked Jeremy if there would ever be a day that we didn't "worry" over Jonathan. The answer...NO. May God give me the strength to do this well. To trust Him. To walk with Him daily. To rejoice in the little miracles along the way. To turn to Him on the days of doubt. To hope for our home to come.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Adjustments
Over the last few weeks and months, I've had to make many adjustments in my thoughts and expectations and even beliefs. The following is a random list of some of those...
**One of the biggest is in my independence. I think it's something that God instilled in us, to keep us working overseas for so many years and making the most of life even in some pretty out of the way places. But I'm learning now, more than ever, that we need help. I need help, and it's ok. It's also a joy to others when we allow them to help us when they want to minister to our family.
**I've been incredibly hands-on with our children. It's been so much fun to be at home with them and watch them grow and make discoveries. And though we've had our VERY hard days in school, it's really neat to learn alongside them and watch the light bulb go off and see the reward of hard work as they learn to read. But I see those days slipping away. I've been away from them more over the last six weeks than I have in their entire lives. And I know that home school is less likely in the days ahead just because of the changes in our family dynamic. This is a difficult transition for me. I like being hands-on in their lives. Yet, I know that if He desires something very different for them than what I envisioned, then it is the very best for them. God, give me the strength to hold tightly to each of them and let them go at the same time.
**Jeremy and I thought we'd live nearly the rest of our lives serving the Lord overseas. We are most certainly willing! In fact, we always said that it would have to be something pretty significant to call us back to the States--like something medical in our family that wouldn't allow us to live overseas anymore. In this way, we would know that God is the One moving our family and not anything chosen by us. We love living overseas and watching God work in amazing ways. I trust that He is not "putting us out to pasture" and will lead us to a new place of service here in the States. From former times of transition in our lives, I know that this process of change and grieving the loss of that work and our dear community of friends will take some time. BUT, He has carried us through many different seasons and He will do it again. I can only wonder at this point, "What does He have in store for us on the great adventure?"
**Hospitals. I have never been a fan of them. In fact, I think they are places of great sadness. I've never been more grateful for hospitals than I am today (sitting on the other side of a couple of months in NICU), but I still hold true to my belief that within the walls of any hospital is a lot of pain and sadness and grief. There is one floor that generally has a great deal more rejoicing than the others--labor and delivery, where new life first begins. But we also know that even this floor does bring its own share of sadness. We've seen it. We've experienced it. How can anyone make it through these intense seasons of pain without knowing our loving Father? Now I also see hospitals as a place of great need. Need to hear of Hope, Healing, Love, Peace, Comfort, and Strength. There is only One who is all of these and much more. Jesus.
**One of the biggest is in my independence. I think it's something that God instilled in us, to keep us working overseas for so many years and making the most of life even in some pretty out of the way places. But I'm learning now, more than ever, that we need help. I need help, and it's ok. It's also a joy to others when we allow them to help us when they want to minister to our family.
**I've been incredibly hands-on with our children. It's been so much fun to be at home with them and watch them grow and make discoveries. And though we've had our VERY hard days in school, it's really neat to learn alongside them and watch the light bulb go off and see the reward of hard work as they learn to read. But I see those days slipping away. I've been away from them more over the last six weeks than I have in their entire lives. And I know that home school is less likely in the days ahead just because of the changes in our family dynamic. This is a difficult transition for me. I like being hands-on in their lives. Yet, I know that if He desires something very different for them than what I envisioned, then it is the very best for them. God, give me the strength to hold tightly to each of them and let them go at the same time.
**Jeremy and I thought we'd live nearly the rest of our lives serving the Lord overseas. We are most certainly willing! In fact, we always said that it would have to be something pretty significant to call us back to the States--like something medical in our family that wouldn't allow us to live overseas anymore. In this way, we would know that God is the One moving our family and not anything chosen by us. We love living overseas and watching God work in amazing ways. I trust that He is not "putting us out to pasture" and will lead us to a new place of service here in the States. From former times of transition in our lives, I know that this process of change and grieving the loss of that work and our dear community of friends will take some time. BUT, He has carried us through many different seasons and He will do it again. I can only wonder at this point, "What does He have in store for us on the great adventure?"
**Hospitals. I have never been a fan of them. In fact, I think they are places of great sadness. I've never been more grateful for hospitals than I am today (sitting on the other side of a couple of months in NICU), but I still hold true to my belief that within the walls of any hospital is a lot of pain and sadness and grief. There is one floor that generally has a great deal more rejoicing than the others--labor and delivery, where new life first begins. But we also know that even this floor does bring its own share of sadness. We've seen it. We've experienced it. How can anyone make it through these intense seasons of pain without knowing our loving Father? Now I also see hospitals as a place of great need. Need to hear of Hope, Healing, Love, Peace, Comfort, and Strength. There is only One who is all of these and much more. Jesus.
Details...
For those who like a few more details about life with Jonathan, this one is for you!
Jonathan was discharged from the hospital with an open wound still healing on his back. So, we received a special car "bed" that fastened into the car for our trip home. He laid on his belly and we fastened him in. We can also use this seat to travel to and from doctor appointments over the next couple of months.
At home, we've set up a little area near his bed that we keep all the supplies for caring for his back. We are trying to keep this area sterile. (I ask, "How sterile can our house be with three other little children running around?") We have to change the dressing on his back every twelve hours and watch for any signs of infection. His back is healing remarkably well, but it is a slow process. The wound is cleaned with peroxide and then a piece of gauze wet with saline solution is tucked inside the wound on this back. This gauze spends the next 12 hours drying and sticking to the top layer of Jonathan's wound. With the next change of the dressing, we take off the dry gauze which pulls off any unwanted scabs or growth. Definitely something I never thought I would be doing for any of our children, but not so bad after the first few times.
I do feel the need to remind our surgeon every once in a while that there is a reason that I never even thought about medical school:) Guess we will be receiving an education first-hand along the way because we already know much, much more about IV's and oxygen and infection and different types of bodily fluids and bladder control and well, you get the idea!
The other major thing we are monitoring right now is Jonathan's shunt. You may have noticed from pictures that his head is still large for a newborn. The shunt was placed there to slowly drain off the fluid at the same time his head and, hopefully, brain matter slowly grow. These two should "meet in the middle," so to speak, after a period of time. One of the most important things Jonathan is doing right now is growing into his head! We have to watch the incision site and shunt itself to make sure nothing looks abnormal or any different than the day he was discharged from the hospital. It's also very important for us to watch for signs of infection, as infection in the shunt would mean its removal and a round of antibiotics before another shunt can be inserted.
All of this makes me wonder if God doesn't have a sense of humor. Does He really know who He's asking to care for this precious little boy? Two of the greatest worry warts when it comes to our children and medical needs!!!! Maybe this is His way of telling us to relax and trust Him. All I can say is that I'm incredibly grateful that the hospital is just a short drive away and we do have doctors and nurses to call with any questions. This is a giant leap from the days overseas wondering what to do when one of our children got sick and we couldn't understand what was going on and what we needed to do. Thank you, Lord, for leading us to great medical care during this time when we need it so greatly!
Jonathan was discharged from the hospital with an open wound still healing on his back. So, we received a special car "bed" that fastened into the car for our trip home. He laid on his belly and we fastened him in. We can also use this seat to travel to and from doctor appointments over the next couple of months.
At home, we've set up a little area near his bed that we keep all the supplies for caring for his back. We are trying to keep this area sterile. (I ask, "How sterile can our house be with three other little children running around?") We have to change the dressing on his back every twelve hours and watch for any signs of infection. His back is healing remarkably well, but it is a slow process. The wound is cleaned with peroxide and then a piece of gauze wet with saline solution is tucked inside the wound on this back. This gauze spends the next 12 hours drying and sticking to the top layer of Jonathan's wound. With the next change of the dressing, we take off the dry gauze which pulls off any unwanted scabs or growth. Definitely something I never thought I would be doing for any of our children, but not so bad after the first few times.
I do feel the need to remind our surgeon every once in a while that there is a reason that I never even thought about medical school:) Guess we will be receiving an education first-hand along the way because we already know much, much more about IV's and oxygen and infection and different types of bodily fluids and bladder control and well, you get the idea!
The other major thing we are monitoring right now is Jonathan's shunt. You may have noticed from pictures that his head is still large for a newborn. The shunt was placed there to slowly drain off the fluid at the same time his head and, hopefully, brain matter slowly grow. These two should "meet in the middle," so to speak, after a period of time. One of the most important things Jonathan is doing right now is growing into his head! We have to watch the incision site and shunt itself to make sure nothing looks abnormal or any different than the day he was discharged from the hospital. It's also very important for us to watch for signs of infection, as infection in the shunt would mean its removal and a round of antibiotics before another shunt can be inserted.
All of this makes me wonder if God doesn't have a sense of humor. Does He really know who He's asking to care for this precious little boy? Two of the greatest worry warts when it comes to our children and medical needs!!!! Maybe this is His way of telling us to relax and trust Him. All I can say is that I'm incredibly grateful that the hospital is just a short drive away and we do have doctors and nurses to call with any questions. This is a giant leap from the days overseas wondering what to do when one of our children got sick and we couldn't understand what was going on and what we needed to do. Thank you, Lord, for leading us to great medical care during this time when we need it so greatly!
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