Details

Wow!  I know that the L'd does not give us more than we can handle.  I know this in my head.  Some days, in spite of this knowledge, everything seems to be a heavier load than I have the strength to carry.  What have I learned in the last year, especially the last six months?  God is in control!  Any semblance of control that I thought I had was just not true.  He works and orchestrates things.  He gives and He takes.  Though life experiences work against this knowledge of His loving control right now, I rejoice rather than lash out at Him in anger.  Yes, it's hard.  Yes, it can drive you mad because you WANT to do something--anything.  But I also know that He is good.  I have known Him and experienced His goodness.  I read His Word and cling to the truths of His goodness.  I also know that He has a perfect plan.  It's far greater than anything I could imagine for myself or my family.  His Word shows me how incredible it is to trust His sovereignty.

So, all the things that are beyond my control right now (from watching a sick child, to waiting for our next place in His work, to having our family routine turned on end, to worrying with my parents over Dad's health, to bad weather sweeping across the nation, to how will this impact our children, to...the list goes on) give me opportunity to wait in Him, rest in Him, cling to Him, glory in Him whether it's in laughing or in crying or in pacing or in striving!

I know that my load is not any different or any less bearable than others.  There are, in fact, some who will read this and resonate with the helplessness.  We had a friend tell us that they are no longer living "day to day" trusting in God, but more "moment to moment."  I guess that's the place that He is taking us.

Living with Jonathan is a trusting in Him that I have never known.  When he's fussy on Friday, it's my love as a mom to watch him more closely and look for other signs too.  And yet trust.  When he's incredibly restless through the night, I can't help but toss and turn with him and wonder what's going on.  And yet trust.  When I pick him up Saturday morning and he throws up and won't keep anything else down, my mind starts racing and hoping it's only a stomach bug.  As I watch his delicate head fill with more and more fluid, the mom in me screams for someone to tell me what to do and make the decision easy.  And yet trust.  When we decide a trip to the ER is well worth the effort, I still wonder if it's the right thing to do and nerves eat at me as we wait for the results from the CT scan and lab work.  And yet trust.  When the doctor says the lab work shows an infection but the shunt is still working properly, my heart leaps with joy.  And yet trusts.  When the phone rings not even an hour later to say that there is more going on than first showed up and we need to get back to the hospital, my insides jump into turmoil.  And yet trust.  When we find out that we are looking at a shunt infection and weeks in the hospital, I wonder how we will ever manage and come out the other side of this whole and healthy.  And yet trust.  When our baby boy is crying in pain and discomfort and there's nothing I can do, I simply cry with him.  And yet trust.

Why?  Because I have tasted and seen that the L'd is good!  He holds Jonathan in His hands.  Jonathan belongs to God, created by Him.  God has given Jonathan a strength and peace that transcends human understanding.  Jonathan was God's plan for our family.  God wanted him for my life, Jeremy's life, Noah's, Grace's, Ruth's, grandparents, uncles and aunts, countless others impacted by his life.

And there are reasons to rejoice in His goodness and plan...
*The medical system of America fights for children like Jonathan and has the ability to do so.
*We are not sitting in an unknown hospital in FL, as God moved our hearts and circumstances to cancel that trip this month.
*We are learning to totally depend on Him in a new way.
*Our older children are learning a very real and tangible faith that can be taught no other way.
*We get to see Him answer prayers in amazing ways.
*We get to experience the Body in a very humbling and encouraging way.
*And one I think on often, how much more rejoicing the day that our Jonathan walks completely well and whole into the arms of his Creator.

God is good and all He does is good, even when it looks to be just the opposite.