Happy Three Months

Several people have asked how things are going, since it's been a little while since we sent an update or wrote a blog!  Things are going well and we've been busy, with Jonathan at home, three excited siblings running around, and the Holidays.  Every day I'm thankful for the little bundle of joy we call Jonathan, Jonathan David, or Johnnie (as Ruth likes to say!).  He is a blessing to all of us and has won us over completely.  He's a good baby, sleeps well, loves to eat, and continues to heal.  His back looks amazing.  We go to see the neurosurgeon again tomorrow and I'm excited to see what he says.  We have him up more and he loves being a part of everything going on in the house.

He's hitting most of his milestones for his age, cooing and smiling some.  He's a little behind in using his arms, mostly due to the lack of use and tightening of muscles because he spent so much time solely on his belly.  But we are exercising them and hoping to help him along.

We've made it past the critical age of two months and are looking forward to the day that we clear six months, which is another huge marker for Jonathan.  We continue to pray hard against infection and are pretty much home bound with him right now.  We rotate trips out to the store and even to church.  Jonathan is at home, except to go to doctor appointments!  But, that's ok because we have a lot to do around the house with school.

We are very thankful for all that God has done for our family.  We are still waiting to hear about our next steps.  Sometimes the days get long and doubts come along, but we are fighting hard to hold onto our faith.  We have crossed quite a few things OFF our list, which is also an answer for direction!

So, we wait!  Meanwhile........Happy three months, Jonathan!!!

 

Maddening

When there is absolutely nothing you can do to change any particular situation, it can be maddening.  In Jonathan's case, it's a practice in trusting God.  In the womb we knew Jonathan was forming with a hole in his back and fluid on his brain, but there was nothing we could do.  He was born, went into surgery, and spent the first six weeks of his life at the hospital and there was nothing we could do.  We watch the back heal and the shunt start to do its work and there is nothing we can do.  We watch him lay there with little movement from the waist down, except some reactions from nerves, and there is nothing we can do.  We wonder what his mind will be like and how it will form as he develops and there is still nothing we can do.  We worry over infection and watch for fever and there's nothing we can do.  He has a little cold and cough and there's nothing we can do but watch it run its course.  Tonight, Jonathan is running a fever from his two month immunizations and, honestly, I am a nervous wreck.  In Jonathan's little life, fever equals a very bad thing.  I keep telling myself that this is normal since he got his immunizations today, but there is a part of me that keeps worrying and wondering if it isn't something more.  Maddening.  And a lesson in faith and trust that I should have already learned, but...  I guess I'll be learning this one for the rest of my life!  I recently asked Jeremy if there would ever be a day that we didn't "worry" over Jonathan.  The answer...NO.  May God give me the strength to do this well.  To trust Him.  To walk with Him daily.  To rejoice in the little miracles along the way.  To turn to Him on the days of doubt.  To hope for our home to come.

New Pics

Adjustments

Over the last few weeks and months, I've had to make many adjustments in my thoughts and expectations and even beliefs.  The following is a random list of some of those...

**One of the biggest is in my independence.  I think it's something that God instilled in us, to keep us working overseas for so many years and making the most of life even in some pretty out of the way places.  But I'm learning now, more than ever, that we need help.  I need help, and it's ok.  It's also a joy to others when we allow them to help us when they want to minister to our family.

**I've been incredibly hands-on with our children.  It's been so much fun to be at home with them and watch them grow and make discoveries.  And though we've had our VERY hard days in school, it's really neat to learn alongside them and watch the light bulb go off and see the reward of hard work as they learn to read.  But I see those days slipping away.  I've been away from them more over the last six weeks than I have in their entire lives.  And I know that home school is less likely in the days ahead just because of the changes in our family dynamic.  This is a difficult transition for me.  I like being hands-on in their lives.  Yet, I know that if He desires something very different for them than what I envisioned, then it is the very best for them.  God, give me the strength to hold tightly to each of them and let them go at the same time.

**Jeremy and I thought we'd live nearly the rest of our lives serving the Lord overseas.  We are most certainly willing!  In fact, we always said that it would have to be something pretty significant to call us back to the States--like something medical in our family that wouldn't allow us to live overseas anymore.  In this way, we would know that God is the One moving our family and not anything chosen by us.  We love living overseas and watching God work in amazing ways.  I trust that He is not "putting us out to pasture" and will lead us to a new place of service here in the States.  From former times of transition in our lives, I know that this process of change and grieving the loss of that work and our dear community of friends will take some time.  BUT, He has carried us through many different seasons and He will do it again.  I can only wonder at this point, "What does He have in store for us on the great adventure?"

**Hospitals.  I have never been a fan of them.  In fact, I think they are places of great sadness.  I've never been more grateful for hospitals than I am today (sitting on the other side of a couple of months in NICU), but I still hold true to my belief that within the walls of any hospital is a lot of pain and sadness and grief.  There is one floor that generally has a great deal more rejoicing than the others--labor and delivery, where new life first begins.  But we also know that even this floor does bring its own share of sadness.  We've seen it.  We've experienced it.  How can anyone make it through these intense seasons of pain without knowing our loving Father?  Now I also see hospitals as a place of great need.  Need to hear of Hope, Healing, Love, Peace, Comfort, and Strength.  There is only One who is all of these and much more. Jesus.

Details...

For those who like a few more details about life with Jonathan, this one is for you!

Jonathan was discharged from the hospital with an open wound still healing on his back.  So, we received a special car "bed" that fastened into the car for our trip home.  He laid on his belly and we fastened him in.  We can also use this seat to travel to and from doctor appointments over the next couple of months.

At home, we've set up a little area near his bed that we keep all the supplies for caring for his back.  We are trying to keep this area sterile.  (I ask, "How sterile can our house be with three other little children running around?")  We have to change the dressing on his back every twelve hours and watch for any signs of infection.  His back is healing remarkably well, but it is a slow process.  The wound is cleaned with peroxide and then a piece of gauze wet with saline solution is tucked inside the wound on this back.  This gauze spends the next 12 hours drying and sticking to the top layer of Jonathan's wound.  With the next change of the dressing, we take off the dry gauze which pulls off any unwanted scabs or growth.  Definitely something I never thought I would be doing for any of our children, but not so bad after the first few times.

I do feel the need to remind our surgeon every once in a while that there is a reason that I never even thought about medical school:)  Guess we will be receiving an education first-hand along the way because we already know much, much more about IV's and oxygen and infection and different types of bodily fluids and bladder control and well, you get the idea!

The other major thing we are monitoring right now is Jonathan's shunt.  You may have noticed from pictures that his head is still large for a newborn.  The shunt was placed there to slowly drain off the fluid at the same time his head and, hopefully, brain matter slowly grow.  These two should "meet in the middle," so to speak, after a period of time.  One of the most important things Jonathan is doing right now is growing into his head!  We have to watch the incision site and shunt itself to make sure nothing looks abnormal or any different than the day he was discharged from the hospital.  It's also very important for us to watch for signs of infection, as infection in the shunt would mean its removal and a round of antibiotics before another shunt can be inserted.

All of this makes me wonder if God doesn't have a sense of humor.  Does He really know who He's asking to care for this precious little boy?  Two of the greatest worry warts when it comes to our children and medical needs!!!!  Maybe this is His way of telling us to relax and trust Him.  All I can say is that I'm incredibly grateful that the hospital is just a short drive away and we do have doctors and nurses to call with any questions.  This is a giant leap from the days overseas wondering what to do when one of our children got sick and we couldn't understand what was going on and what we needed to do.  Thank you, Lord, for leading us to great medical care during this time when we need it so greatly!

Full Circle

After 47 days in the NICU, Jonathan is home with us this weekend!  We were surprised on Friday afternoon when the nurses told us that Jonathan could go home with us.  He had so many tests run on Friday to make that happen and our little man was worn out.  But we arrived home at 8:00pm on Friday with Jonathan. 

It took us 47 days to go full circle--flying to the hospital early that Sunday morning in September until arriving back home with our son the end of October.  Wow.  We are incredibly grateful for the way the Lord sustained us during this time, for the invaluable help of our family, and the countless prayers of you!

Jonathan is doing well.  He's been eating and sleeping and listening to the voices of those who love him.  We will be trying to find a new routine around our house in the days ahead.  Meanwhile, it's been such a joy to have him home and hold him close.

The Two Step

Sorry it's been a while since we posted a blog!  There just isn't enough time in the day right now.

But, today I'm sitting here by little man's bed while he sleeps and I have a few minutes to spare.  The "Two Step" is a dance (at least I think it is, not much of a dancer here!).  I think they should call these weeks in NICU the "Two Step" since it ends up being two steps forward and two steps backward.  Things can change daily, or from morning to afternoon.

We've had multiple days where Jeremy came in the morning, had a nice visit, and things had significantly changed by the time I arrived in the afternoon.  It's a great test of faith and endurance; and, yet, I still feel that I have much to learn in these areas.

God has done much to sustain us during this season in the NICU.  Even on the hardest of days, emotionally, I know that He hears my prayers (and the countless others) and He desires that I trust Him.  I have thought many times about several men of faith in the Word who cry out to God in honest prayer (some even in sack cloth and ashes) because He alone is God and Who else is there to cry out to?!  No one else has the power to heal or change our circumstances or sustain us, so why wouldn't I continue to cry out to Him.

He is good.  And one day "beauty will rise" from all these ashes (great song from Steven Curtis Chapman).  I look forward to that day, whether it's tomorrow or one day the other side of eternity!

Oh Happy Day!

Today was a GREAT day!  This was the first day we could hold Jonathan in our arms, without the pillow.  I was even able to nurse him for a few minutes, and he did great.  Jonathan was totally wide-eyed at the new position and at being so close to mom and dad.  He's been on his belly since birth (with just a few days otherwise).  That's 46 days.  I've been itching to get my hands on him and hold him close.  Though it makes me very nervous still, with his back still healing and the size of his head due to the fluid, it was so sweet today to hold him and look at him and hold him.  I kept thinking that he feels he's coming home--home to mom's arms!!  Here are few pictures celebrating today...

Five Weeks and Counting

This week finished out week 5 for Jonathan in the NICU.  He celebrated his one month birthday!  In many ways, it feels like a blur with all of the running back and forth to the hospital and spending time at home with Noah, Grace, and Ruth.  Jonathan continues to heal -- laying on his belly!  He did move up to a "big boy crib" in the NICU.  The surgeon came in this week and cleaned off the scab, the dead skin, and yucky stuff.  Now the nurses have orders to keep wet gauze on it, letting it dry out, and taking it off again by pulling up dead skin with the gauze, only to repeat the process again every 12 hours.  This process keeps the old cleaned up and stimulates the new skin growth.  Not sure how long we will be doing this, but probably a few more days.  Everyone keeps telling us that the layer of skin forming underneath looks good, medically speaking.  We haven't seen it yet, because we haven't been there for the changing of the gauze! 

Noah and Grace visited his bedside again today and were thrilled to touch Jonathan's hands and feet!!  Here are a few pictures...

Leaking Fluids

We've all dealt with "leaking fluids" -- cars leak fluid, airplanes do too (though we hope we aren't flying at the time!), diapers leak fluid, roofs in need of repair leak fluid, noses even leak fluid!  But, generally speaking, heads and backs do not leak fluid -- unless you are a myelo kid.  (Short for myelomeningocele, the official term of Jonathan's birth defect.) 

This weekend had some challenges for us.  The neurosurgeon seemed totally unphased; the parents were quite anxious.  I guess it does bring a lot of peace of mind, though, when your surgeon is calm and declares that things are still progressing as expected!  Both Jonathan's back and head started "leaking fluid" this weekend.  First, his back was leaking where the scab started pulling away from the edges.  (At this point, we will spare you the pictures that we've taken of his back.)  The surgeon tells us that the leaking is superficial at this point, but it will slow down the healing process.  This process seems to drag on, but we knew this would be a long haul.  Jonathan's lesion was significant in size.  We'll continue to take one day at a time.

So, today his head was leaking a little bit when I arrived.  The incision just won't heal completely and fuse, so when the surgeon came by today he wanted to put in a couple of stitches to close it up.  Mind you, I'm holding Jonathan on a pillow at this point.  The surgeon just ordered the sutures right there on the spot, cleaned up, put on his "surgeon's gloves" and stitched Jonathan's head right there on my lap!!  Yes, I did have to look away several times.  Jonathan woke up long enough to cry and then fell right back asleep. 

He is already much more tolerant of pain that I ever will be.  And he will be such a tough little guy -- a real fighter!  This is a whole new world, absolutely.  You never know what each day will hold.

Bye to Bisquick

Many of you may not know that we have lived overseas in Central Asia for the past 12 years.  In fact, we met overseas and lived in the States together just long enough to get through the process to get back to work in Central Asia.  Our first three children were born overseas and think that our crazy lives are "normal."

We have called the city of Bisquick our home for the past four years.  As we came back to the States to take care of Jonathan's needs, we knew that this could be the end of a wonderful chapter of our family life.  Thankfully, we've had several months to think about this and do some grieving.  How do you say "goodbye" to a place that is so dear?

We now know, with certainty, that we will not be going back to Bisquick.  In fact, we know that God is "relocating" us to the States in order to best attend to Jonathan's needs.  We have seen God do so many amazing things in our time in Bisquick, humbled by the privilege that He let us be a small part of drawing a people to Himself.  We know, in our heads, that God will direct our steps and provide another place here where we can work for Him.  However, that doesn't always make it easy for our hearts as we face a season of transition.  We are expectant.  The slate is blank before us, in a way that we experience but a few times in life.

As our family grieves and looks ahead and seeks to trust Him as we wait for His provision--with work, a place to live, and countless other details--please continue to pray for us.  Whatever He does, it will be good!  So, we pray and wait.  Meanwhile, we continue to take care of our children, love them, teach them to trust God in ALL things.  Jonathan's journey is also our journey because God has called us to this road and will reestablish our steps in a new place.

Good Days, Bad Days

Jonathan had some really great days and was able to spend some good time on his back.  The surgeon warned us that his back would most likely open back up as he rubbed the glue off of the wound on his back.  Sure enough, when we went to the hospital yesterday his back had a spot on it.  (So glad the surgeon had told us just what we'd see!)  Today, it opened some more after they removed the rest of the glue.  They will be cleaning it and monitoring it to make sure the dead skin is removed so that the new skin can grow.  Yes, this is difficult to watch when it's your baby boy going through this process.  But he's doing great and proving to be a real fighter.  He seems to enjoy hanging out on his belly.  He's going to love it when he can come home and be around all the fun and excitement of home.  Here are a few pictures from the last few days!

Milestones...

Thursday and Friday have been VERY big days for little Jonathan!  On Thursday, he increased his number of bottle feeds.  And they started rotating his head every few hours.  (I know he was happy to be facing a different direction for a change.  He's been healing from the shunt surgery--on his belly, only looking one direction.)

When we arrived to feed him in the afternoon, he was bright-eyed and we took lots of pictures of his sweet face.  It was so much fun!  We were both laughing and it was a very special time of watching him in wonder.  The nurses said that he is doing a great job with his feedings (and have since started feeding him with the bottle every three hours!). 

Friday was another great day!  In general, Jeremy spends the morning with Jonathan and then I head up there in the afternoons.  This gives us each some time every day with Noah, Grace, and Ruth also.  So, on Friday Jeremy called me from the hospital to say that he had some news...good news!  The neurosurgeon came by while Jeremy was at the hospital.  After looking at Jonathan's back for a while, he turned to Jeremy and said, "It's time.  Today's the day.  We're rolling him over to his back.  And Mom gets to hold him on a pillow."  We were extremely excited and nervous all at the same time.  Wanting to hold him, but wanting that back to be healed enough to hold.  The surgeon reassured us several times that he was confident the back was healed enough, especially in the layers of muscle, to hold.  Even if some of the skin reopens, it will be ok.

So, when I got to the hospital in the afternoon.  They turned Jonathan over and placed him on a pillow in my lap.  I got to feed him with the bottle and see his whole face!  He wore himself out and fell right back to sleep.  The OT then showed me some stretches and massages that we can do for Jonathan when we are holding him, in order to stretch some of the muscles that are now tight because he's spent the first few weeks of his life on his belly.  It's also to help his legs and feet with circulation since he's not moving from the waist down.

Here are a couple of pictures from these great milestones in Jonathan's life.  But what a blessing to see the Lord answer prayers for our son and be able to rejoice in these victories in his life!  We were so surprised by how quickly this happened.  No telling what this next week will hold:)

First Bottle Feeding

Today Jonathan tried to feed from the bottle for the first time!  Day 15 in the hospital.  He has to lay on his belly still, so the OT brought a bottle that we could use to feed him from the side.  She was watching to see how well he sucks and swallows the milk.  He did a great job for his first try!!  He ate one whole ounce!  We will try a couple of times again tomorrow.  Can't wait for the day we can hold him to feed him, but this was a great step in the right direction.

Two Weeks

We are sitting here two weeks past Jonathan's delivery!  It feels like so much longer:)  There have been some anxious moments for us, but we are also very thankful for the many ways God has answered prayers for Jonathan.

He is doing well today.  His back is healing.  The fluid on his brain is draining and relieving the pressure for him.  He is eating well, with bottle feedings to come this week.  His vitals are all strong and he continues to breath well on his own.

It's been very hard to watch Jonathan over these two weeks.  He started off in surgery Day 1 of life!  Since the surgery on his back, he's been laying on his belly.  Nobody can move him around, to fully optimize the healing process.  This means that we have been unable to hold him or comfort him in the midst of all he's been through.

The next week of his life, he had a second surgery for the shunt.  The doctors briefly turned him onto his back for the surgery, but he has been laying there again on his belly to continue healing.  However, he is also recovering from the shunt surgery so we cannot rotate his head to the other side yet.

When he's crying, it pulls on all my heart strings.  As his mom and dad, we long to pick him up and hold him close.  Instead, we sit by his bed and read or sing to him.  Today, he held on tight to our fingers and didn't want to let go.  I keep asking for God to comfort him in a way that we cannot right now.

I'm learning everyday that not all of us walk the same road.  Jonathan's road will be different.  He doesn't know another way right now.  In God's time, with more healing, we will be able to hold him and love him and nurse him.  Right now, surgeries and time on his belly in the NICU is the BEST for him--to make the most of how God has formed Him and give him every opportunity to thrive.  I look around at other babies in the NICU and know that all of those families have a different road to walk.

We are asking that God will give us the strength to walk this particular road well and to honor Him all along the way.

Home Without Jonathan

Thursday we left the hospital without Jonathan.  There are a great many emotions that walk out of the hospital with you.  Sadness, as we're unable to hold Jonathan to comfort him during his first days out of the womb or that he couldn't come home to be with his family.  Joy, to finally meet him after praying for him for so long.  Gratitude, for his strong vitals and wonderful staff at the hospital who are taking care of him.  Anxiety, for all that still lies ahead and uncertainties in our future. 

The list could go on...

Tonight, we are just thankful and humbled by the outpouring of love and support--from around the world.  We are taking one day at a time.  Fighting hard to keep our minds in the present and not jumping too far ahead.  We could not walk in this manner without the grace that comes from God alone and the power of prayer. 

It is incredibly difficult to see Jonathan lying on his stomach and watching his back heal while his head continues to grow with increased fluid.  It seems like such a difficult thing to ask of such a little fellow, knowing he has so much more ahead of him.  But we tell ourselves DAILY that Jonathan is God's creation, uniquely formed by His design, brought to our family.  He will give all of us the strength we need to love and support one another and bring glory to His name.  And our prayer is that He guards our family's faith and enables us to shines like light.  May this be one of the many ways that He chooses to do so!

The Delivery

For those of you who like details, this post is for you!  Jonathan was scheduled for delivery by C-Section on Monday, September 12 at 8am.  We went to bed on Sunday night, hoping to get a little rest.  (But, I wasn't really expecting to rest that much because of nerves.)  Let's just say that Jonathan had different plans too!

Sometime in the middle of the night, I started experiencing some cramping.  I thought that most of it was a nervous stomach, so I headed to the bathroom.  Got back to bed and tried to rest some more, but my stomach turned again some time later.  After going to the bathroom a second time, I decided I should wake Jeremy up soon and tell him I wasn't really sure what was going on.

Laying in bed, I prayed and asked God to make things abundantly clear to me because I was really struggling to understand what was going on inside me.  It didn't feel like labor, but something was going on.  Within ten minutes, my water broke!!  I immediately told Jeremy and he, quite literally, hopped out of bed.  He said, "We have to get in the van and go right now!"  And started running all over the house, waking people up and gathering our bags.  Meanwhile, I went to the bathroom to clean up some.  This all happened at 2:30 in the morning!

So, we live at least 30 minutes from the hospital.  And we needed to be at the hospital for Jonathan's delivery because natural childbirth would put a lot of extra stress on his body and would be very difficult for me because the fluid has increased the overall size of his head.

We got in the car and headed for the hospital.  I gotta tell you, we were going as fast as we felt comfortable driving, praying out loud THE WHOLE TIME.  My contractions definitely started up and kept coming, what felt like closer and closer together.

We made it to the hospital in record time (I know it was right at or a little less than 20 minutes!).  We parked at the front door and headed up to delivery.  Meanwhile, Jeremy's mom had called ahead of time and let them know that we were on our way and our special circumstances.  They got me checked in and monitored me for just a few minutes while everyone was getting things in place for an emergency C-Section.  They were all a little concerned about the timing as well, this being my fourth delivery.

Within less than an hour from entering the hospital, we were in the OR, spinal tap given, and getting ready to begin.  Less than ten minutes after the operation began, we heard Jonathan's first cries.  They brought him around for us to see and he was beautiful and tiny.  No, we didn't get to hold him.  But it sure was good to see him after waiting so long to meet him.

We are incredibly grateful to the nurses and doctors working at the hospital the wee hours of Monday morning.  They were very helpful, concerned, yet reassuring.  In the end, God took care of everything, though a little differently than we had all planned!  He gave us an incredible peace and helped us rest in His strong arms the whole time. 

Day Before

Well, it's the night before our scheduled delivery.  What an interesting feeling to have waited and prayed so long for the delivery of little Jonathan David, especially since our journey has brought us so far from where we thought we would be sitting on this day. 

September 12, 2011 will prove to be a life-changing day in the life of our family.  As we sit here tonight, we have no way of knowing exactly how things will change.  Either way, we are welcoming our fourth child into the world and we are very excited about meeting him.  The other day I was driving down the road in the minivan with our three other children.  I couldn't help but smile in gratitude.  Finishing up college, I had big dreams for my life--one of those being a family.  I had no idea what that would look like or where I would be, but I'm so thankful the Lord granted those desires above and beyond anything imagined.

A wonderful husband.  Three incredible children.  And we have lived a life of adventure for Him.  It's been a ride.  I am thankful for what this has done in me because I wouldn't be the person I am today without every bit of the day to day walk of faith. 

And now the adventure continues.  He will take and use every moment of my life to refine me.  I'm so excited about meeting Jonathan David, seeing him, holding him.  Do I pray for that miracle delivery?  Absolutely!!  Why not and what do we have to lose?  Our God is MORE than able.  Will we accept and love him with Spina Bifida and all?  Absolutely!!  He is a gift from God, set in our family.  We are all very excited to love him and take care of him. 

So, for tonight, we sit on the precipice of something grand.  A new son.  A renewed calling.  Perhaps, a new direction in our journey altogether.  But, you will find me rejoicing.  And you will find me grateful.  I know that He is good and all that He does is good.

Whirlwind Travels

So, from Monday to Saturday of the same week, we traveled through Istanbul to get another ultrasound and confirm Spina Bifida then on to the States where we met our families and immediately began talking with doctors.  Within a few days of arriving in the States, we met with a maternal-fetal doctor, talked with a pediatric neurosurgeon, and took a trip up to Vanderbilt to consult with the team of specialists who do the in utero surgery there. 

These were some very intense days for us, indeed.  As our family adjusted to a new time zone and place, we were trying to get our heads around the situation with Jonathan and make important decisions.  One thing alone sustained us--the faithful and fervant prayers of the church.  Family, friends, strangers all rallied around us and stood before the throne of God on our behalf.  We will be forever grateful for this!  And through those prayers, we received peace and sleep and direction and countless other things.

The folks at Vandy probably think we are crazy!  They were so wonderful and gave us lots of information and talked with us all day about Spina Bifida and how and when and possibilities...then told us we did not qualify for the in utero surgery.  We were so relieved, to have a decision so simply decided that was out of our hands.  Surely this was His answer as well, and an incredible opportunity for Him to work a mighty miracle in the womb where the only explanation is God Himself!  (At least, that's what I was sitting there thinking!!)  So, we left with smiles on our faces and I'm convinced they think something is wrong with us.

During these early days back in the States, God sent several people directly to our door that spoke truth to us with great boldness.  We wrote these down and will always cherish the way that He used the Body to minister to us.  And He always provided a phone call or an email on those hardest days when we needed a tangible reminder of His faithfulness.  We shouldn't be amazed, but it was amazing!

After all the dust settled, we found ourselves in SC close to family with a wonderful local church (and house!) and grateful for the medical team at our delivery hospital.  We've heard nothing but great things about all of them.  We went into "wait" mode, visited with lots of family, had some fun as a family, and are looking forward to meeting little Jonathan.  Surely, God is going to do great things!

Routine Ultrasound

I'll never forget the day, I'm sure of it.  Monday, April 25, 2011.  Or all the feelings that went along with the news.  Jeremy and I left the kids with a dear person who regularly helped out in our home and we headed off to the ultrasound at 18 weeks pregnant.  We were all super excited to see if our predictions of a baby boy would prove true.  Even our local friends were eager to see if a boy would even things up in our family! 

Funny thing is, I was already nervous about the ultrasound.  And on the way, Jeremy and I talked about those times in life where everything suddenly changes.  You know, a phone call from family with devastating news, the blood test that isn't normal, the car that swerves into your lane, the possibilities are endless.  We talked of how fragile "the life you know" is, as we drove down the road.

10 minutes; maybe 15--that's how long it takes to walk into a clinic in Central Asia, look at the images of the ultrasound, talk a little with the technician, and walk out changed forever.  When the images of our baby came up on the screen that day we immediately knew that something was wrong.  Even we could see the nearly 90 degree angle of the spine.  The technician then showed us the opening in the spinal column and the black area that represented fluid on the brain.  In the midst of all the images, we heard the words "Spina Bifida."  Jeremy immediately started praying and asking for His strength and then chanted, like a mantra, "God is good and all He does is good."  That mantra got him through those first few days! 

It's very hard to describe the feelings that accompany news like this.  Though we all know it can happen at any time, it is so unexpected when it comes.  And the fear of the unknown and the change of expectations can nearly overwhelm.  We are so very thankful for the deep love of our Lord, which gives us the ability to trust Him and believe in His goodness even when it feels impossible to do.

What's in a name?

So, early January we found out that I was pregnant with our fourth child.  We told our other children pretty quickly and they were SO excited.  It was fun to celebrate this with our older children who understood what was to come.  I remember that Noah hopped all over the kitchen.  One thing's certain, that day we all agreed that this baby should be a BOY!  To even things up!!

And, so, in all of our heads this baby became a little boy.  Though we really had no way of knowing!  Over the next several weeks, I dealt with a lot of anxiety about the little one growing inside of me.  I realized this time around, more than ever in my other pregnancies, how many little details are outside of our control as the baby is being formed in the secret of the womb.  I had to actively turn over my fears to the Lord and trust that He is the One who creates and sovereignly sustains all things.

During this time of worry, I started researching baby names just for fun.  One day, I did a search by the meaning of "given by God" and the name Jonathan came up.  Very hard to explain, unless you've personally experienced this, but I just knew that God was forming a son inside my womb, he was absolutely given by God, and his name is Jonathan.  It was very reassuring to me and I held tightly to that when the worry started creeping in.

I think I mentioned this to Jeremy, but daily life quickly took over and he forgot.  Several weeks went by and he came to me one evening.  He said that he had been reading in the Bible, from the book of John, and had an overwhelming sense that we would have a son and his name was to be John (or a version of that name).  I just started smiling and said, "I already know that!"  He actually breathed a sigh of relief, because he was worried I wouldn't agree. 

I cannot tell you how THANKFUL I am God gave us this special gift of a name--Jonathan David--long before we found out about the Spina Bifida.  It has been a constant source of strength when our faith is weak.  This is a child created and named by God, brought into our lives for His purposes.  What peace!!

Good With Three

Our youngest daughter, Ruth, was born in 2008.  At that time and for nearly a year, Jeremy and I felt blessed by the three wonderful children that God gave us.  We were very content with three and felt like it was a good fit for our family.  Many of you may be laughing because you heard us say this rather adamantly, yet we joked that He may decide to bring more little surprises to our family.  In 2010, God really started moving on our hearts, separately, to begin growing our family again.

For myself, it was a steady conviction by the Holy Spirit as I read the Word and interacted with people who really made family a priority.  I felt like most of my reasons for not having any more children were pretty selfish.  He reminded me over and over again that children are a blessing from Him and that He is the Creator. 

As Jeremy interacted with one of our partner churches, he met families who had opened their homes to more children, whether biologically, by adoption, or foster care.  This interaction fostered a desire in him to have another child, which grew as we began praying about this together.

To be honest, we weighed this decision heavily for months and really asked the Lord to search our hearts and know our thoughts.  We were afraid on many different levels of the impact another child could have on our family.  In our human frailty, we considered money, lifestyle, the possibility of a child with special needs, among other things.  In the end, it came down to FAITH.  We want to live our lives fully abandoned to Him and it was wrong to hold back this area of our family life, so we opened up ourselves to His desires if He should choose to grow our family.